Good Evening Minx lovers,
Today we are talking about The Great Fuck Fuck-Up Phenomenon. This is a really annoying thing that happens occasionally when you really want someone.
Now normally I don’t really give a fuck what people think of me. I flirt with everyone, and flirt heavily with a fair number of people. It’s just how I operate. But every now and again, when I properly like someone or really really fancy them, I basically turn into a complete and utter moron. If I have slept with someone like that, it gets even worse.
Something in my brain (my vagina) takes over, and I change from a vaguely rational human being to a stammering, stumbling, stuttering, geeky, clumsy, Klutz. I drop things. I trip over. I can’t talk properly. If I see them I completely crumble. Even if days before I was fine talking to them.
Eddie Murphy has an interesting theory that if a man can make a woman come really REALLY hard, there’s a power shift and he’s basically got her. In terms of me and Great Fucks, I think he might have a point. Your brain….melts…some shit happens…I can’t explain it but it makes it hard to function.
So anyway, recently I have had an….unexpected encounter with someone who on paper is both younger, incredibly bad for me and in bed turned out to be pretty fucking hot. I initiated it. It was awesome and I was pretty smug and happy with things….or so I thought.
Until the Great Fuck Fuck-Up Fairy struck again. FFS.
So after our first few encounters there was a bit of a gap when we had been busy and then we planned to rendezvous at my new place. Fine. No problem. Tension’s gone right? It’s all cool…still causal…still friends…brilliant.
I finish work and head home and start to get ready. And…what’s this? Nerves? Pfttt. I’m a Minx. I don’t get nervous? Hahahahaha…yeah bollocks I don’t.
I ignored the nerves. I tidied my room – properly for those of you who know me well, and thanks for laughing! I pottered about the house for a few hours. The nerves got worse. What the FUCK was wrong with me?
I had been drinking tea all day at work, and at this point the latest batch of caffeine kicked in and I started trembling. So I’m nervous and shaking and start getting messages saying he’s on his way. Which makes it even fucking worse. Jesus H Christ. I’m morphed into a virgin!
So I continue to do some personal prep which includes having a nice long relaxing shower and de-fuzzing (Hollywood – if you’re going to fuck up a razor go the whole way). It takes ages….I’m still shaking like a rattlesnake so have to do this really slowly. But I wanted to look hot for this guy.
So why was I making so much of an effort? Why was I so nervous? The clue’s in the title. When you sample different styles over the years you develop an eye/taste for quality and let me tell you boys and girls, I am a connoisseur in this field, and high quality sex is a rarity indeed. If you meet someone who brings out your inner wolf and clicks with you that well you enjoy the ride. Basically because you’re happy and flooded with lust and an intense desire to impress them enough to do all that bad shit to you again.
It also triggers hormonal responses that make you nervous and turn you into a fucking idiot. The Great Fuck Fuck-Up Fairy is one of life’s cruel ironies. If you wear a nice shirt to impress a girl you will drop your food down it in front of her the second you clock her looking. If you like a guy, you will trip up over your own heels the second he arrives. If someone has fucked you brains out (ahem 🙂 ) and you’re going back for more….shit will go down to make you look like a right twat.
I think it’s nature’s way of keeping people grounded and the population down.
Anyway, where was I…OK.
So I was getting ready….he was on his way. I was showered and shaved….everywhere… even to the top of my legs which I never bother doing. I had deep conditional and blow-dried my hair, and even put a bit of make-up on to try and look pretty but not TOO pretty. I looked pretty good and was excited.
Yay – I get some sex tonight! Wooohooo!
I start to potter and clean and I’m getting more nervous by the minute. I start to clear the dinner plates from the lounge. My flatmates who have been watching me scurrying about with increasing amusement tell me it’s cool and they’ll clean up.
I hiss at them “For the love of GOD give me something to do!” and carry on as they start laughing at me and taking the piss. Time ticks by and suddenly I get a message from him.
“He’s HERE!!!!” I shriek…to more laughter. I check myself in a mirror. Ok, make-up is decent, hair is shiny and pretty bouncy, teeth done, dress is tidy (also short and accessible), legs yes, other places, yes, food is ready to go, room yes….I am GOOD to go.
I casually saunter towards the front door, desperately trying to stop shaking, take a break, and lean out, chilling.
He walks up, smiling with a bottle of wine. I kiss his cheek.
“You look nice.”
“Aww, thank you.”
“Also your dress is tucked into your knickers. Is this wine OK and can I have a shower?”
Fucking Great Fuck Fairy Strikes Again.
I readjusted, feigning sleepiness and indifference before hustling him upstairs, then going in to the lounge, bent double, head in hands, bright red to tell the girls what had happened.
Thankfully he was in the shower by this point and didn’t hear the shout of laughter from downstairs.
Lol however embarrassing that was, it didn’t really matter. These kind of things happen in life all the time and sex is no different. He laughed and was cool. The girls laughed…a lot….but told me they thought he was hot and I’d done well even for a seasoned cougar. It was one of those things that happens to everyone at some point, and the important thing to remember is that the Great Fuck Fuck-Up Fairy only seems to turn up when I am having particularly good sex. In spite of my mishap, round two proved to be as hot as round one and I ended up red-faced for a completely different reason. 😉
lots of love