Hello my dear Minx lovers and welcome to the first blog of 2017!
So the reason I have been quiet is the same reason that I had a chilled out New Year’s Eve. Due to 4 weeks of Uni essays, I took it easy, which meant that I wasn’t out, and didn’t start the New Year with a snog.
Now this tradition comes from English and German folklore, which suggests that a kiss at midnight on New Year can strengthen a budding romance and if you don’t kiss someone, it will result in you being lonely and loveless the following year. Aside from being complete bollocks (THAT’S RIGHT! 😀 ) a kiss in itself is not enough to guarantee anything, and a bad kiss can be worse than no kiss at all.
In terms of bad kisses and bad kissers, I have encountered the following:
The Ken Doll
This type of guy kisses you like a Ken doll. He holds you politely, usually lightly around the waist, but with minimum contact. Close mouthed, and boring, you bump lips together but that’s it – no tongue, no sucking, nibbling, or anything else. Dry and dutiful, the Ken Doll kisser is the beigest of the lot and pecks away at your face like a pigeon pecking at a discarded bag of chips. Like Barbie, you’re left disappointed, frustrated, and wondering how quickly you can ditch this bozo for GI Joe.
I like a bit of an animal in bed, but The Biter just takes the piss. Starting out slowly, The Biter will suddenly start to chomp down. Taking your lips between his teeth he will bite you hard enough to draw blood, over and over again, leaving you battered and bruised. If this is a pre-arranged BDSM thing, it’s fine. In any other circumstances, it’s rude and demonstrates very poor technique. Muzzle him and move on.
The Hair Puller
I fucking HATE having my hair grabbed in any way, so for me hair pullers are among the WORST kisser and lovers imaginable. You’re kissing…their hands go up the back of your neck, twist into your hair and suddenly YANK! They pull from the middle of your hair, wrapping their hands inside your locks, and tugging, usually away from themselves, causing your head to jerk about and resulting in your hair being pulled out. This isn’t done in a sexy, “I’m in charge, I’m going to hold your head still while I kiss you and make you see stars kind of way. This is done in a “I’ve watched too much porn and I saw this on Xhamster therefore she’s bound to dig it”. As with the biting, without forewarning and permission, hair pulling is a no. A head massage and a deep condition will have you as a good as new.
The Washing Machine
The Washing Machine grabs your head, sticks his tongue as far into your mouth as it will go, and swirls it around without stopping for hours. He gets into a his groove and just goes round and round, slobbering all over the place, spit going everywhere. Aside from the fact that you’re nearly choking, he doesn’t use his lips or try to mix it up at all. Most Washing Machines usually have a spin cycle, which means that they can go slightly faster, but generally that’s the only type of variety they can offer. One perk is that this type of kisser has (unintentionally) given himself a lot of very useful skills when it comes to going down on girls, and a little bedroom feng shui could put him in a much better position to please.
The St Bernard
Slobbery kissers are the worst. Not satisfied with kissing your mouth, The St Bernard will attempt to kiss your ENTIRE face, licking and drooling over your lips, chin, nose, cheeks, spit going everywhere. These are usually among the noisiest kissers, and they sound like they’re trying to suck a dozen jelly shots through a really tiny straw. Their tongues feel like manic oysters inside your mouths. You can’t breath but you’re in genuine danger of drowning. St Bernards are usually the result of over enthusiasm, and are therefore also among the most likely candidates to leave you with love bites. Not satisfied with trying to eating your face, they will creep onto your ear and neck, and leave you looking like you lost a fight with an Octopus. There is no excuse for this type of kisser, especially in anyone over the age of 21. They kiss girls the way a hungry dog attacks an ice cream, and their love making skills are just as terrible. (Trust me.)
A good kisser…
So what ARE we looking for in a good kisser?
Kisses should be passionate, exciting, and varied. From slow kisses with lip biting, to hot hard kisses full of the promise of wild orgasms, it’s really important to mix it up. Kissing is elementary foreplay,it becomes spicier by increasing physical contact, through holding or stroking fingers, wrapping your arms around someone’s waist or neck, or pushing someone up against a wall. Tongue action is important, but not all the time. Brushing someone’s lips with your own, and kissing someone on the neck or decolletage can create just as many fire works. A full blown knicker wetting snog in the back of a taxi can be just as exciting and meaningful as a gentle loving kiss on the forehead or nose. Good kissers should literally take your breath away and make you see stars – I’ve been lucky enough to have a few of these and they were amazing.
If you’ve decided to make some changes for 2017, make sure that you avoid bad kissers and bad kissing. Life is too short, so go out and find the best kissers possible. The really good ones are definitely worth the wait. 😉