Welcome to autumn! I hope you all had a fabulous summer and are settling back into work/school routines well.
I have a special blog for you today, one which I have been planning for a long time.
This is all about the issues people face with body image, looks, and especially weight and how that can prevent people from feeling sexy. Here’s my story.
I’ve always been curvy. Not always overweight, but in school, at say 12/13, if my friends were a size 8 or 6, I was a 10. Boo-fucking-hoo now right? I’d literally chop off my right arm to have that figure back (I’d probably need to to fit into the jeans). But that’s when I started noticing, and other girls start noticing the way they look, their size, height, hair colour, skin colour, and weight. It was a thing, but it didn’t cripple me. That came later.
In my teens and twenties I wasn’t really into fashion or makeup. I never felt 100% like I knew what I was doing, and I didn’t care. I started drinking in sixth form, and then a lot more uni, and I put on the obligatory fresher’s 10 (pounds) or more like a stone between 18 and 22.
I still had boyfriends. I still had casual flings. I still had sex. My weight back then had fuck all to do with how attractive I was or am. It was only in my twenties, when I put on a little more, and got a set of weighing scales, that it became a problem to me.
I started working, and the weight went up…I started eating all the snacks and cakes and shit that is around an office, and my weight went up. I got into jobs that were boring, and relationships that weren’t right and started comfort eating, and the weight went up.
Most of this was my own fault. I was eating and drinking and NOT exercising. My sugar consumption was out of control. I was living on sandwiches / take away and large bottles of coke at one point. I was drinking too much, eating too much and doing fuck all about it.
I put on a fuck tonne of weight in my twenties – big fucking deal, most people do.
But what was so much worse was the damage that did to my confidence, my levels of self esteem and how I viewed myself. There’s one thing not being able to fit into a dress, but feeling like I’m unfuckable? I’m unloveable?
That it’s OK to go out with a douche because who else would want me right? Just because I was a dress size bigger.
It’s not just me.
We seem to be a generation of women who define sexy as being a certain unobtainable goal – we have to be THIS weight and THIS height and have THIS colour hair and skin and wear THESE clothes to be sexy.
We’re bombarded every day by images and thoughts and comments and comparisons. We need external confirmation of our attractiveness, sexiness, fuckability, to feel good. No.
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!
This is FUCKING BULLSHIT. Sexy comes from WITHIN.
To feel sexy you have to believe in yourself and feel confident. You can lose all the weight and by the right clothes and whatever, but it has to come from your self belief in you.
I will prove this. 4 years ago, I had just broken up with a guy I was living with. I went to a friend’s wedding and I just managed to squeeze into my bridesmaid dress. I was feeling shit, and worried and stressed out and not very sexy at all.
Over the next four years, (during the course of which I put on an additional two stone) I had three medium term relationships, and some good sex, but I started to feel worse about myself, and was worried and stressed and losing confidence.
In January this year, after splitting with the man-cub, I decided that for the sake of my physical AND mental health I really should take control and do something about it.
I spent 8 months of training down the gym…better eating, NOT crash dieting, NOT fad dieting, and NOT giving up anything. I want to be healthy not a fucking saint. I started getting more sleep, and getting a lot more fresh air. I was walking a lot. I cut down on booze and caffeine and sugar. I started looking at the stressful areas of my life and making ways to change them. I’ve taken up dance classes, and started spending more time on things I really enjoy.
The result – I’ve finally made it back to the same size and weight I was at that wedding 4 years ago, but this time it’s different. I’m still curvy and still have work to do, but the way I look at myself has completely changed.
I’m happier, healthier, and I’ve got a lot more energy. The training and the exercise has been incredibly for me, but mostly because it’s helped me to feel like I’m back to my old self. In terms of this blog, one of the most important things is that my self confidence and self esteem has started to come back. That’s right. I feel sexy again.
I’m so fucking proud of how much fitter and healthier I am – that’s been amazing, especially getting back into dresses I haven’t worn since I was in my 20s and being able to walk up a hill without feeling like I’m going to die.
During this last 8 months I’ve realised that my weight, bigger or smaller… has fuck all to do with how sexy I feel. Getting fit was a good thing, but it was trigger to helping me get back into a good head space, NOT the key.
It doesn’t matter how much you weigh or how much you diet or train…feeling sexy comes from within.
So say it loud and proud Minx lovers:
I’m sexy and I know!