Good evening my dear Minx lovers, I hope you are all well!
Tonight’s blog is going to be looking at one of the most important rules of dating. There are many different things to consider when perusing the market place, looking for your next beau. There are plenty of fish out there, but it’s important to remember that there are plenty of sharks too.
While being in the middle of this sea of choices can be confusing and more than a little scary at times, it’s important not to lose your way, and to remember to listen to your own instincts about people.
Sometimes, for no apparent reason, you’ll get a bad vibe from or about someone. Your brain will flash up a giant metaphorical red flag. You may not even know the reason why – it could be over nothing, but all of a sudden, you are having second thoughts about someone.
The tricky part about dating is that it can make you feel nervous, reserved and worried at the best of times, and your natural instinct may be to just dismiss the red flag as a minor worry or cold feet. This is where you need to stop, pause and think.
Your brain and your body are high concept machines designed to pick up on bad juujuu from other people. We have evolved a very complex system of body language and other subtle forms of communication, to be able to spot and identify potential threats to ourselves. It’s how we have survived so long.
Gut feeling is a huge part of our survival instinct, and your body and inner brain can pick up on potential issues far quicker than your conscious mind (which, let’s face it, is driven by hunger, your sex drive, the mortgage payments, far more day to day stuff).
I’ll give you a few recent examples.
I was chatting to a guy on Tinder last week. I started getting the prickly feeling – massive red flag but I couldn’t figure out why. His messages were a little flirty, perhaps on the edgier side of banter, but not too bad. Then they started getting controlling / offensive / obnoxious. This is, of course, in my opinion, and could easily be explained away as me choosing the tone and putting my own interpretation on it. Well guess what happened next?
When I mentioned I’d been out on a Saturday (after saying I was busy) I was sent:
“Oh – so you could have met me today then!”
I read that as controlling and / or self absorbed and stupid. NO. I couldn’t. I had spent some time with my friend, rather than ditch her for some dude I’d been chatting to briefly and not actually met yet. This wasn’t accepted as a good enough reason.
To buy my incredulity some time ( and to see what he’d do next) I asked him what he’d been up to. This was the weekend of the Pride festival in Cardiff.
He responded along the lines of:
“Oh, well I haven’t been outside today, because, you know…… It’s gay day, and….”
While I openly admit that digital / social media makes it really hard to judge tone, and it’s really easy to misread something, sometimes you really do have to listen to your gut.
The conversation continued. He had previously demanded that I come and pick him up – no please – which I had taken as a joke. It hadn’t been a joke. He turned out to be a homophobic, selfish, controlling prick (with crazy eyebrows) who assumed I would drop everything for him. Nice eh?
My point is that I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, and I am glad I tried and pushed through the minor alarm bells. However, once a red flag comes up – that’s me done.
In the past, I have made excuses for bad behaviour, clashes of values, cheating, addictions of various kinds. I have put up with unbelievable stupidity, lateness, bad spelling, someone trying to convert me to “save my soul”, being guilt tripped for putting someone in the friend-zone, emotional abuse, bullying, and a general lack of effort.
Guess what? That’s right. They never apologised, or changed. It never got better. It only got worse. I ended up single anyway.
These days, when I see a red flag, I’m gone.
I’m 32. I’m sexy, confident, and I’m not going to put up with this kind of shit any more. I suggest you do the same.
If you spot a red flag – RUN.