Hello minx lovers!
Apologies for the complete lack of writing over the last 7 months. The tricky thing with life is that sometimes it gets a bit lifey. Since we last spoke, my contract came to an end, meaning I was made redundant, and lost my lovely single girly pad. 😦 I had to move back in with ma and pa, where I am currently residing in their spare room. A month later my grandmother died, the funeral was Christmas week, and then I started a new job in January.
So yes, was very busy job hunting, moving, grieving, starting new job etc.
If all that wasn’t enough, things with the younger man were getting tough. Since I moved we were now both busy and long distance, with less opportunity to talk and see each other. Throw in stress, suspicions regarding another girl (still never proved/disproved but I trust my gut and she wants him) and other things taking priority and by Feb I’d had enough so I ended it.
Now what I should have done was to immediately cut all contact, and just grieve for a while. But obviously, being his first girlfriend, and still being very much in love, for all the faults and flaws, we tried to stay friends. This did not go well.
2 months, one weekend of going back, lots of hurt feelings due to lack of/ piss poor communication on his side and my short temper and compulsion to chase for answers/try to fix things, I’ve called it a day and asked for no contact.
At the moment I am in an extraordinary amount of pain.
I have so far managed to avoid feeling this through continued contact which just gave me with false hope, and stupidly going back and hooking up again after a month.
I immediately signed up to dating sites and a speed dating evening. With 3 days of being on POF and Tinder I had had over 100 messages, and been viewed nearly 700 times. (I’m not Elizabeth Taylor – I appreciate that a lot of people mass swipe / message and use a scattergun approach. I’ve had 15 speed dating dates, 8 very disappointing dates with shy / hideous fuckwits, 2 dates with guys who were OK.
One of the first things I used to do after a split was get my hair dyed and cut, eat a fuck tonne of trifle, then go and fuck some randoms…I am the Queen of rebounds, and in the past used to ricochet around like a pinball after a relationship, having fun with short flings and one night stands.
About a month ago, after a particularly heinous argument regarding the aforementioned hussy, I did hook up with someone else, but afterwards, I was happy to just let it go.
For a long time before the ex, I had had flings, short term hookups, 6 months here, 6 months there, nothing solid, nothing real. I’d been drifting about, and in my heart I felt single, even when I was “with” someone. There was never any deep interest or real commitment on either side. Ironically, for someone who dates a lot, and has had a lot of sex, I’m actually alone more than I’m with anyone.
Then last year this dude turned up out of nowhere and blind-sided me. It was a shock because I really really loved him, and I think for the first time ever, I tried to have an “adult” relationship – completely ironic I know as he was 10 years younger. I didn’t expect it to go that way, and I certainly didn’t plan it, but that’s the way it went.
Why didn’t it work? Take your pick. Different ages / stages of life. Different ways of communicating and thinking. Long distance. Different ways of expressing feelings. He was busy and surrounded by people and a great social life, and for the last year I’ve been commuting (car= less drinking and NO drink driving) and my social circle has shrunk due to people hooking up / getting married / having kids.
Doomed from the start really, but you don’t pick who you fall for. And now I’ve finally found the balls to make a clean break.
I’d love to be able to just be logical and sensible and be a cool person and immediately transition back to friends, just switch off all other feelings, but I can’t. I’m emotional and I find big changes hard to deal with – let alone all the other crap I’ve gone through in the last 6 months.
Towards the end of the relationship I was clinging on to the last scraps…my heart would soar at the odd message, but then when I wouldn’t get a call, or a message back I’d feel rejected and ignored. After we split this just got worse. The lack of communication, the lack of time to see each other face to face and having to put other things first had always been a massive strain. It just got too much.
The question I’m facing is now what?
I spent a lot of time in his neck of the woods with his friends. While it’s great been spending a lot more time with my friends, and getting out and doing a lot more, I’m really gutted that I’ve pretty much lost some really amazing people from my life because of this split. I really want to stay in touch but all’s fair and he knew them first.
Because they were younger, my social life used to dip in and out of their (quieter) nights on the town. That’s gone, and I’m really going to miss that. I try and spend as little time at home as possible, and quiet nights in pubs just aren’t for me.
I’ve been going to the gym a lot more and generally my health has improved a lot since I’ve had more time to work out. I’ve actually lost a stone since Christmas and I’m working on shifting the next one. A healthy minx is a sexy minx. 🙂
Work wise – realistically in the back of my head, or heart, I think I was looking mostly at jobs around here because I wanted to stay close to him. I only realised that with hindsight. While I’d quite like to stay in Wales, I now have no reason to stay, so I’ve looked at other options.
The big question (for this blog) is obviously what to do in terms of dating. I’m 32. Not completely over the hill, but I’m well aware that if I want to look at doing certain things, I’ll need to meet someone soonish.
I think that’s part of the reason why I jumped straight back onto the dating sights. I’ve never been great at being properly alone, and I just wanted to skip the grieving and pain and move on, preferably to meet a tall dark handsome rich future husband, but I know that that was just my dark side wanting to “win” in the breakup game – who gets over who first.
The truth is there are no winners after a break up.
I loved him, and it still hurts like hell. Staying in that friend-zone limbo for so longer after we split was just a massive head fuck for me, especially after hooking up again. But the old ways just don’t seem right any more, so I’m going to try something new, and I’m going to take some time to fix my broken heart.
I have no idea how long this is going to take, but everyone always says time is a great healer. I have no idea if I’m ever going to feel OK enough to speak to him or see him again, or if I’ll even be bothered in 6 months time.
I don’t know what’s going to happen with any of it. It could be that this was just one of the big loves of my life, and I’ll meet the real “one” or many more in the future. I might decide to just stay single for a few years, or I could meet my future husband in the next month. But first of all – I have to deal with the hurt and give myself time to heal.
I’ll freely admit that I’m terrified, and have no idea what’s going to happen next.
I guess we’ll find out.