Hello minx lovers,
My my, hasn’t it been a while! So many things have happened, including the ETO show, and the USA finally legalising gay marriage – woohoo!
More on those later. So, for those of you who haven’t guessed, over the last few weeks or so I have been……busy.
At the moment, it’s shark week, (A.K.A don’t fuck with something that can bleed for 5 days and don’t die), so there is less business going on than I’d like, but I thought it would be a good time to explore this particular aspect of all things sexy.
So here we go – A Minx’s Guide to Shark Week.
1. First of all, if you’re banging someone, and it’s early days, or like me, you’re not properly together, you probably still get that split second flash of “Thank fuck I’m not pregnant”. I know. You shouldn’t be having sex unless you can be organised enough to sort out anti baby measures, and mini panics can make you feel like a clueless teenager. However, there are a lot of things that can make you late, stress being a key factor, and ironically, stressing about being late being another. Chill, have a bath, watch some porn, give it a couple of days. THEN panic.
2. So the pain. Mine can vary between “ouch, that’s kind of uncomfortable” to “Ughhh I’m going to vomit and I’m getting hot sweats and I feel like I’ve got a 2 day kidney hangover – doubled over / wrapped around a toilet for hours” kind of pain. Speaking to a few girlfriends recently, some said having kids helped, some said it made it worse, and I’ve heard lots of opposing stories about different types of contraception easing pain / making it hurt more.
Mine seem to be revving up a gear since hitting my late 20s, so if you ever see me hunched over with my eyes squeezed shut biting my lip, unless you’re bending me over a desk and having sex with me at the same time, stay the fuck out of my way.
3. The mood swings. I can go from calm to ready to tear your head off, to weepy, to feeling completely lonely and useless within hours. Guess what – it isn’t fun from our point of view either. Don’t poke a bear with a stick and make jokes, then wonder why we get upset. We don’t take the piss when your rugby team loses or your football team gets relegated, or your car/motorbike breaks down – don’t take the piss out of this. AKA Bitches be crazy. Deal with it.
4. The lack of sex (?) OK, I am not really a fan of sex during my period….but there are options and ways around it. If it’s towards the end, you can stick a dark towel down and go for it anyway. You can flip over (keeping the towel!!) and try anal. You can both brush up on fingering techniques, or if you’re not feeling too bad, practice going down on your partner – just because you’re on doesn’t mean you can’t be a giver. You can brush up on you dirty talk, and watch your partner get all hot and bothered.
Or you could just talk about sex and be a huge clit/prick tease by creating a to-do list and pricing up outfits and toys.
Just a few ideas, a few of which I have tried and tested and love.
5. Do NOTHING. Single or coupled up, use this as an excuse for just chilling out. If you feel like you’ve swallowed a machete wielding hedgehog and you feel sick and hot and tired, take a few hours off. Put your feet up. Order a Chinese and eat some chocolate and watch some Archer, or Sex and the City, or Mad Men, or Game of Thrones or whatever. Powering through is for when you have to, and if you don’t, just chill out. You’ll get your period for 40 years, so you need a game plan.
Periods can be a fucking pain in the ass, but they don’t have to be the end of the world, and they don’t mean your sex life has to shut down.
Right. I’m going to put the kettle on and finish my to do list for when I’m no longer broken.
(For my gentleman friend of casual acquittance…Be afraid. Be very afraid).