Greetings to my lovely minxes, and I hope you’re all feeling festively frisky. 🙂
In a few days I will be attending my 3rd wedding this year, as a bridesmaid for the 7th time. Seeing as I am a seasoned wedding and bridesmaid veteran, and sadly, once again single (long story, will fill you in next year) I thought it was about time I shared some secrets on how to survive someone else’s big day.
Weddings are the perfect hunting ground for potential minxy adventures, and if you’re a bridesmaid, you automatically go to the front of the queue. As the fabulous Lydia says in Four Weddings and a Funeral:
“I was promised sex. Everybody said it. You’ll be a bridesmaid, you’ll get sex, you’ll be fighting ’em off. But not so much as a tongue in sight.”
Now, (surprisingly) to-date I have never hooked up with someone at a wedding, although a friend of mine likes to point out that I managed to bag myself 2 different dates and a short term boyfriend as a result of her wedding. (Cheers sweetie!)
Bridesmaid Tip Number 1: Know your targets!
The Best Man – You will be spending the most time with the best man, so you’ll have a little time to get to know him. he’ll be nicely pissed and up for a laugh at his best mate’s do. It’s an old joke that the best man hooks up with a bridesmaid…why fight tradition?
Ushers / Grooms men – These guys will be more available than the best man as they’ll have less wedding duties and not have the pressure of giving the speech. Possibly working in pairs,they will be thinking along the same lines as you. Keen,
Friends of the groom – Football / rugby friends and mates from school/college/Uni and workmates. One of the perks of this group, they are not quite as close to the groom as the ushers and best man, so if anything happens there will be less collateral damage – the groom will probably give you a sly dig in the corset and high five his mate rather than get upset.
Friends of the bride – most likely to be mates from school/college/Uni – as with the grooms friends, not quite as close to the bride, so will cause less fall out, but remember, they are still her friends, and it’s HER day!
Bridesmaid Tip Number 2: Ones to avoid
Close friends and family – don’t go shagging the bride or groom’s brother, half brother, uncle, FATHER, GRANDFATHER or anyone else closer than a cousin.
Workmates / colleagues of the bride – she works with these guys everyday, and doesn’t need you swooping in, breaking hearts (or beds) and swooping out, leaving her to pick up any potential pieces
The DJ/Band – these guys are the evening’s entertainment, and nothing will piss the bride off more than her first dance being delayed because you’re having a quickie with the drummer round the back of the marquee. BUT – when everything is wrapped up and the bride is heading off on her honeymoon – go nuts! 🙂
Waiting staff / chefs – As with the DJs, it’s not the done thing to delay dinner or go missing in between the coffee and the speeches to have a fumble in the wine cellar. HOWEVER, a little bit of flirting can do wonders to making sure those spare bottles of wine and champagne end up on your table.
The priest / vicar – This isn’t the Darling Buds of May, Primrose Larkin, so don’t bother wasting your time!
Bridesmaid Tip Number 3: Underwear architecture is NOT required
This is a target rich environment, so don’t worry about trying to reduce or hide anything. Big knickers, size reducing tights, tit tape, scary construction bras….just ditch it. Anything that is hard to take off makes it harder to get off. You look gorgeous, so keep it simple!
Bridesmaid Tip Number 4: Bring protection!
Condoms are an obvious must, as there is nothing more frustrating than getting all frisky and being let down by logistics at the last minute. But I would also suggest packing waterproof mascara, tissues and a mini mirror. Weddings can be very emotional, and there is nothing less attractive than a bridesmaid that looks like a member of Kiss or Alice Cooper – check your makeup!
Bridesmaid Tip Number 5: Location Location Location
If you do hook up with someone, there are certain places that need to be avoided. The Bridal suite being first. Other guests rooms being a close second. I would also stay away from the back of the wedding car, garden grottos covered in leaves and moss (you’ll RUIN your dress and up against the marquee, unless you fancy turning into a horny human shadow puppet.
His room, your room, linen cupboards, wine cellars, up against those giant trees at the end of the lawn, behind the generator..plenty of other options to choose from!
Bridesmaid Tip Number 6: Exit strategy
If you do hook up, you’ll need to have a way to get back to your room without doing the worst walk of shame…barefoot the next morning, past everyone else eating breakfast, still wearing your bridesmaid dress. Keep a spare £20 hidden in your handbag for taxis, just in case!
Right, I’d better go pack and steam my dress. I will be back for New Year’s Eve, so see you then.
Wish me luck!
littlewelshminx (Last Bridesmaid Standing)